| flood! |
[09 Dec 2009|05:27pm] |
yeah, I just put off my exam till Friday when I looked out the window and discovered that the lake is now in my front yard. I guess this storm IS serious. and it hasn't started snowing yet. just raining and 60 mph winds.
our house is sort of on this weird little island, it's hard to describe. We are at the end of a street: the front yard ends at the lake, then there's a creek that empties into the lake that cuts from the lake around the side of the house and around the back. so there's one side of my house not bracketed by water, and we're not behind the breakwall the neighbors have because of the creek. if you're not a Great Lakes dweller, you might not have heard of a seiche, which is what is happening at the moment. Basically Lake Erie is shallow and the water in it displaces like a bathtub when a storm is strong and moving fast. since this one is rocketing in from the Midwest, all of Ohio's water is currently pounding at my doorstep. flood stage is 9 feet and we're at eight and a half right now. it's cool to watch as long as we stay dry haha.
a fun little video from the last time we had a storm like this ( this was the big Lake Erie seiche- I think this was 2007?)- seriously that is our FRONT YARD. twenty feet from our house!
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[24 Nov 2009|09:31pm] |
I majored and have a degree in English. I'm going to have to take the DLAB. (Defense Language Aptitude Battery) This means I'm currently studying grammar rules.
I realized I've never taken a course in grammar. ever. not in high school, not in college. I know the structures, just not the name for everything and where it goes.
You cannot even imagine the hilarity that's ensuing from this. I've been studying all night...for something I definitely should have learned because I HAVE A DEGREE IN IT. In middle school and high school I was honors/AP the whole way and I never learned grammar there, either. A's the whole way through.
seriously this is total, total fail. I imagine this is like learning how to use plane radar after already flying planes for four years.
I gotta get a score of 105 to study Arabic, and that means I have to know English grammar. what a world.
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| unreal |
[06 Nov 2009|04:46pm] |
I am about to start a high-paying job and am in the process of buying a mustang.
however today I had to get emergency food stamps because I haven't eaten in a couple days due to running out of money because my unemployment was delayed.
this is fucking retarded and I was totally humiliated today. I thought I could hold out and just not eat and then I passed out. hopefully my landlord can wait one more week on rent or I am totally out of the water fucked.
I'll be homeless and living in my FUCKING MUSTANG. (obviously I am buying this with loans, duh, or mustang money would be re-appropriated. )
I love my life and this fucking economy, I'm going to go back to crying now.
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[31 Jul 2009|09:16pm] |
hell is a bakery in the summer.
104 degrees tonight.
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[06 Jul 2009|07:46pm] |
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i am out of rehab and running again and it is so blissful. if you are not a serious runner it is hard to describe the feeling of euphoria that kicks in-for me, it hits around mile 3.5. when i get to that stage, i can keep going forever. i clock in four to ten miles a day, hating it for 20 minutes and trying to remember why it is that i keep doing this. i remember every day when the euphoria starts, my body completely loosens up, and there is nothing there but the sound of respiration. the world completely falls away from me. its like i disappear and mentally exit my body through doing something so physically demanding. i crave this sensation: it is why people do drugs, looking for this feeling. running is as close to flying as you can get.
it is why i train so hard & why I get hurt so often. so worth it.
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| blame it on the thevodka blame it on the henny |
[02 Jul 2009|01:12am] |
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how do you live with yourself he says
i want to date you but it disgusts me that you are in the military
i joke around and say i have not shot anyone yet
and I sleep just fine except for how afraid I get at 3 AM
and how can you judge me
the closest you will get to war is from behind your computer screen
and it will break my heart if I ever have to use my weapon
my parents did not raise me to be a killer
i just volunteered to be one due to bad luck
sorry, dear. i will miss you.
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[06 Jun 2009|09:12am] |
i am somewhat alive
just fyi.
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[12 May 2009|06:17pm] |
when people ask me what i want for my birthday the answer is remaining the same: to see you. my next few birthdays will be spent in a ship or in the middle east, so thats the present i want, okay? you! all of you! come out to play! two people asked today what I wanted, so here it is. literally i want or need nothing else.
i amend that: I also want people to send me poems while I am at boot camp and when I go to war. by anyone.
this is so I do not forget who I am.
sometimes i am more scared of that than of getting killed.
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[01 May 2009|10:17am] |
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walking around on an avulsion fracture at the moment; the pain is agonizing. I really have not complained about this much, but i am at the end of my rope pain-wise. when people complain I feel like slapping them and telling them - at least you can walk without wanting to die, yes? just b/c I am not bitching about it 24/7 does not reflect a lessening agony.
i am not able to do boot camp till august b/c of this. i am on my feet 15 hours a day. I can do this somehow.
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[07 Apr 2009|12:35am] |
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i am so exhausted and overwhelmed right now that I literally do not know what to do. i am working a 60 hour week, the gym claims two to three hours of my day, and then there is my dog who has to go on at least two walks a day. I cant spend as much time on anything that I need to do so I have to half ass everything- so nothing gets the attention it needs. i am still in withdrawal and walking around on a stress fracture or a torn muscle- every step is pretty much agony which really does not help me being able to handle my shit. l just want to curl up in a corner and cry, but that would be a waste of time I dont have.
i am actually really looking forward to boot camp because it should be a lot easier than this. all I have to focus on there is my body and military tasks, there will be no dog, and my rent and meals are taken care of. when you are looking at boot camp as a vacation, you really know your life is impossible.
sorry I hate bitching, but i am also currently losing my shit.
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[23 Mar 2009|11:39pm] |
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today I found out that a good friend of mine also enlisted in the military. we will be deploying at roughly the same time, it seems.
so in one year from right now we are going to try to meet for coffee.
...in Kabul, Afghanistan.
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[19 Mar 2009|08:41pm] |
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this morning i spent 3.5 hours at the gym. after lifting weights for an hour & doing ab work for 30 minutes, I ran five miles doing HIT, walked another,biked for ten, then rowed 3000 meters. at this point I discovered it is possible to exercise until you puke.
i have been sick all day since, what a day off. shaking, puking, etc. i think it was doing HIT work again- I have been running for endurance (3 7:45 min miles without stopping then a slower mile- boot camp minimum fitness) and HIT is killer after that.
i must seem insane to people that go to the gym 3 times a week for an hour.
i also think I am going to be fine for boot camp.
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[19 Dec 2008|02:51am] |
I think about how much I used to hate people touching my hair and how it used to send shivers down my spine.
now people just sit down next to me and braid my hair, and people I barely know run their fingers through it, "your hair is so soft, can I play with it?" sure.
" I can't help it, every time I see you I want to touch your hair, can I?" when you're already twisting my curls around your fingers. all right, sure, I'm fine.
my hair's very long now, past my breasts in the front and to the middle of my back. I think I'm getting better about strangers touching me. these two things seem to be running along a parallel.
I would think it was some strange holdover from childhood, dolls, etc if it was mostly girls that did this, but it's not, it's typically men. sometimes I will stand in the bar and I will be drinking my beer and talking to people and I will feel a little pressure on my head and I will turn around and someone I barely know will be holding some of my hair and they'll smile and tell me how much they wanted to touch it.
four years ago I had issues even hugging my close girlfriends. it's funny how things change, and how you recognize it- standing in the bar, ignoring the semi-stranger standing behind you talking to someone else and twisting your hair around his fingers.
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| if I... |
[08 Dec 2008|02:35pm] |
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"If I take you out to dinner this weekend, could you possibly brush your hair, put on makeup, and stop looking so fucking homeless for three hours?" - today's awesome quote of the day.
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[02 Dec 2008|11:27am] |
my awesome immune system finally failed me and I caught one of those damn bugs that everyone had. for awhile there everyone I knew was sick except me- all of my friends, the people at work, etc etc. thankfully it doesn't seem that bad. so maybe my immune system is chugging along still and everyone I've known lately with theirs has been REALLY sick, where I've been sick for two days and despite being tired I don't feel that bad.
it kind of grosses me out though because I work with food and coffee- I feel like saying, here's your latte, pal. sorry it's crawling with the plague. your sandwich, too. don't bother with the sanitizer, it's everywhere in your food. I have to be at work at two, dispensing viruses along with whipped cream and pie. mmmm!
speaking of plague, I've spent the last three days buried in infectious disease texts and I'm really fascinated. I finally finished the Great Influenza, read about the new subspecies of the Ebola virus that showed up in Uganda, the history of Ebola in general, and when I was done with that I read some general microbiology. in terms of medicine it's definitely infectious disease and cancer that fascinate me the most, I'm looking forward to the point where I get to specialize in one of these things. what really slays me is virus reassortment, recombination, shit. the more I learn about viruses the more they impress me. it's hard to believe also that in terms of medicine, germ theory truly hasn't been around that long. wild to think how much progress has been made in just eighty years!
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| I feel like I just opened a Christmas present and found a tarantula inside. |
[18 Nov 2008|12:53am] |
According to the ever-reliable internet, Obama is considering appointing Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to be head of the EPA. For those not familiar, RFK Jr is one of the anti-vaccine nutbags that speaks at Jenny McCarthy's "I cured autism with hugs and homeopathy!" rallies; he also likes to write highly slanted, biased pieces that totally disregard any shred of evidence that doesn't support his theory that vaccines cause autism.
this is almost as awesome of a move as McCain choosing Sarah Failin' as a running mate or as hilarious as putting George W. Bush in charge of America's treasury.
obama, no. just no.
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[18 Oct 2008|10:47am] |
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I am totally evil.
so I can't remember if I've written in here about this before, but the wall between my room and Gayquad's section of the house has no soundproofing. there is an empty room behind mine with a door that they usually keep closed, which is why it hasn't been a problem until lately. So Gayquad decides to make a spare bedroom behind mine, which basically leads to me occasionally having strangers as a roommate. they can hear EVERYTHING I do in there. this drives me fucking crazy and I've been bitching about it for a long time now. I don't want people sleeping in there.
so last night Danny and Jon (Gayquad members) slept in the spare room behind mine because they had a guest sleeping in their bed. Because I don't think they understand the problem here with the sound and the guests, I decided to show them!
7:16 AM: I wake up naturally because that's when my alarm usually goes off during the week. I play, at top volume, A18's "Stab You Through the Everything".
I went back to sleep.
9:10 AM: I wake up again. First I play a couple of Botch (metal) songs, then I play Carrie Underwood " Before He Cheats". I sing along at top volume.
I go back to sleep.
10:30 AM: I wake up for the day. I play Between the Buried and Me (more metal)- the entire Colors album has already played, now Alaska is playing. and I mean I am BLASTING this metal as loud as my computer will go. I'm kind of going deaf right now just sitting here typing this. The computer is right against the shared wall, too.
i am laughing my ass off. this is my payback for the night that Danny slept in the spare room and heard all of the shenanigans that went on in my room that night when I didn't know he was sleeping there.
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| you'd think... |
[16 Oct 2008|11:07am] |
wtf of the day: a person that freaks out over a parts per million percentage of chlorine bleach in their water but attempts to take antibiotics whenever they have green mucus. I tried to explain why bleach is ultimately less harmful to their body than taking antibiotics repeatedly, but I've discovered when you say the word recombination that people's eyes glaze over.
I might be signing up to take chemistry, calc, and anatomy at the community college here next semester depending on price. Also, I found a program that will take me straight through my master's degree as a nurse practitioner. You get a one-year accelerated nursing degree when you already have a bachelor's, and you practice as an RN while going through the master's program to be a nurse practitioner. three years and out. I'll be 30 and licensed to practice as a pseudo-doctor.
this sounds like it may be the plan if they will take me.
I can get my MFA later.
I can't live like this any longer, though. I've been broke so long.
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[10 Oct 2008|11:48am] |
the applications have begun arriving.
here is the list so far:
University of Minnesota, Twin Cities: accelerated BSN, one year program for people with a bachelor's degree to obtain a second degree in nursing
University of Alaska, Fairbanks: MFA program, creative writing ( alaska often offers free tuition to out of state students)
University of Iowa, Iowa Writer's Workshop: MFA fiction
University of North Carolina, Huntington: MFA fiction
I am also looking at another accelerated nursing program in Pittsburgh and another one in Montana.
I want to live somewhere totally beautiful, preferably where I already know a couple of people, and somewhere where I can afford to live. Any suggestions are welcome!
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| adult child of a single mom. |
[08 Oct 2008|05:09pm] |
I had another moment today where I realized that I've turned into a carbon copy of my mother: she offered to buy me some food, so we went grocery shopping. We each took little carts, went roaming about the store separately, met up at the register, and I realized we'd purchased nearly identical grocery lists.
same thing happened at walmart with the toiletries, with the exception of the type of lotion we both use. I like this sandalwood and cinnamon lotion, she likes unscented. mind you I haven't lived with her for more than a month in the last four years, so it's not like I'm familiar with her brands.
this is happening more frequently lately: over the last two years, I've noticed myself slowly turning into my mom. it's funny, because when I was younger, being like my mother was the last thing I wanted and I made every effort to be different from her. I don't know if it's nurture or nature, but around turning 25 I began noticing how similar we were. my mannerisms are like hers, my personality and temperament have always been exactly the same, my body is the same as her body (though my face is a definite copy of my dad's) - the way we deal with and look at problems is the same, the explosive temper that's over in five minutes is the same, lack of patience with perceived weakness, etc etc.
I wonder if this is the natural result of being raised by a single mom with only one real parenting influence in your formative years. before Greg and I had our falling-out, we were talking one night about being raised by single moms with absent/asshole fathers, and I theorized that it makes boys sensitive and kind and it makes girls tougher and less sensitive, but more capable. This is my flawed observation when I think about the people I know raised by single moms.
it's not bad at all to turn into my mom. as long as I can retain my love of animals and my empathy for people with mental issues, being my mom is definitely not the worst thing.
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